Today I start the book of Job. Reading Job makes me appreciate everything that happens in my life. If anything bad could happen, it happened to Job. He lost all his children and all his property in a single day. He lost his health and his friends turned against him and still Job stayed true to the Principles. Job was truly a faithful believer.
I have met people who have lost their child or children. There is a sadness about them, which pervades their entire being. I met a woman this summer whose son had committed suicide. I met a woman whose son was spending his life in prison because he had taken the lives of others in a drunk driving accident. I found solace in the fact that these two women were able to create a life for themselves after these terrible tragedies. I knew that if I experienced such a terrible tragedy, that I would go on as well. I had hope, once I actually met someone who had experienced a parent’s worse nightmare and continued to move forward.
No one wants to lose a child but it is something that one hears about constantly when one has a child who suffers with a chronic illness. Doctors predict the worse on a continuous basis. One has to get out of the bed each day and move forward despite whatever dire predictions are being made. It hurts to live under this type of cloud.
As much as it hurts me to live with a child with chronic illness, I know that it hurts my grandson even more to live with a mother with a chronic illness. My grandson has never known his mother when she wasn’t ill. She started suffering with a debilitating disease when he was 2 years old and has been in and out of remission every since. This child lives with this feeling of impending doom over his head. It breaks my heart to see him consumed with so much fear.
Job suffered every humiliation there was to suffer. He asked that his life end but he never blamed God. I have begged God for the life of my child and enlisted the prayers of any and every one that I could find. I question God in the still of the night and I know that there are no answers. I know that I am not being punished for some imaginary wrong. I know that I could have made different choices yet I know other people who could have made different choices and they don’t have a child with a chronic disease.
Events happen in our lives to make us stronger and to make us appreciate what we have. Could we really appreciate sunshine if we never had rain? I don’t know how we would ever appreciate gratitude unless we experienced hardships. I am glad that I have fasted and prayed for 36 days. It makes my daughter’s current hospitalization, a little easier to bear.
I understand Job. Even though I don’t believe in the devil, I believe in fear representing the unenlightened part of us. I have lived in fear that my daughter would be taken away from me and like Job, I thank God for every minute that I have been able to enjoy her. I look at other people with their daughters and I find myself asking why does mine have to be ill. I question myself and others question me. I must have done something wrong for my daughter to suffer with such a debilitating illness. Yet I persevere. It pales in comparison to what Job underwent during his trials and tribulations.
I met a woman who lost her child to leukemia. She started drinking vodka to ease her pain. She decided to open her own day care in her home, which would allow her to be around other children. So many little girls reminded her of her own dear daughter which she lost. Then she would become sad because these little girls were alive and her own precious daughter was in a box in the cold, hard ground. She would drink away her sorrow every evening when the children went home. There was such sadness about this woman and she didn’t enjoy life. I shuddered to think that I could ever be in this situation.
I believe that we have many spiritual battles in our life. We can be swept away by outward appearances or we can focus on what’s right for us. I know that my daughter’s illness gives me no reason to stop living my life. I watched and read about every leader in the bible who had a mission and a vision. They parented children and lived in families just as we live with our families today. They achieved their destiny and lived a full life. They loved and lost but continued forward.
I understand Job. I have experienced illness in my life. I have experienced heartbreak and sorrow. I lost both of my parents and many other people who loved me unconditionally. I was not fortunate enough to replace those people with other people who loved me unconditionally. I grieve the loss of family members and friends. Job’s friends reacted the same way as most friends. They questioned Job’s goodness and decided that God must be punishing him for something. Pain teaches us lessons which pleasure cannot teach.
I grow roses in my garden. I see them die and turn to seed and be reborn again after the rains come. Roses need nurturance, sun, good soil, fertilizer and water to grow. They also need to be pruned in order to yield the most beautiful roses. Sometimes you see too many roses on a branch and they never develop proper
Pruning is painful. It is a cutting away of that which no longer serves one’s needs. It hurts and it feels like one will die from the cuts. Ridding ourselves of what doesn’t serve us only makes us stronger and better.
